My Mother's Heart

So, here it is that time of year again. My heart hurts. This year adds an additional hurt and aching to my heart. My blog is titled A Mother's Heart and I can't think of a post more fitting that a post about my Mama. It was February 11, 2013, a day that I will remember forever. Getting a call that my Mama was on her way by ambulance to the hospital and not able to breathe. Never did I think just 3 days earlier would be my last conversation with my Mama. She passed away before she got to the hospital from a blood clot. It was so unexpected and still feels like a dream. I miss her so terribly. Today the marker was laid at her graveside. Giving some finality to it all I guess. It is beautiful and we can celebrate a beautiful life. She was an amazing Mom and loved her family with all her heart but most of all she loved the Lord. Through losing all my babies, we stayed strong together. We didn't understand, but we came out on the other side trusting in God's plan for my children. Although my heart is raw with emotion right now, the one thing I know is that my Mama is rocking and playing with my babies in heaven. She is loving being "Memaw" with her new glorified body. "To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord" AMEN to that!

As I look over the next few weeks remembering the loss of my babies 7 years ago, sometimes it seems like yesterday. Ryan is growing up so fast and learning so much. He has such a sweet spirit and loves the Lord. I can only imagine what it would be like seeing my 3 boys and precious little girl running around like him. I wonder what kind of personalities they would have, what they would be like, how it would be to have 4 children going through this stage of life. So many things to think about, but sometimes I just can't go there. It hurts too bad. Sometimes I am overcome with emotion and sometimes it seems like a distant memory.

Seeing Mama's memorial makes my heart hurt that we didn't have a memorial for our babies. Had we known the outcome we might have made different choices, but my heart had a hard time forgiving myself for not burying our children and having that final resting place. However, I always get that comfort to know that we were all made from dust and to dust our bodies will return so whether or not I have a proper burial place for my babies, their eternal soul is with Jesus. I praise God for that and I look forward to that precious reunion with all my loved ones that have gone before me. I pray that it won't be long for all of us to be reunited again. Come soon Jesus, come soon!

Clinging to the 2 scriptures God started sending me 2 months before Mama passed. I didn't know why he was sending this pair of scriptures at the time. He would send both scriptures ALWAYS when I would see them. I might see them in a post on Facebook or in a song, but when I would see one, I would see the other one right behind it or just a few minutes apart but they always came together. Mama always taught me when you see scripture multiple times to study it because God was trying to show you something. I prayed and prayed for him to reveal to me the purpose for him showing me these scriptures for 2 months because I didn't feel what these scriptures were telling me. The night I was preparing my mom's slideshow with pictures and music for her memorial, God revealed those same 2 scriptures at the end of a Chris Tomlin video for I Will Rise on Youtube. Those same 2 scriptures he had been showing me all over the place for 2 months and it was like BAM he spoke right to my soul, THIS is why, FOR NOW! So, I cling to his word to get me through. 

Matthew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

Isaiah 40:31
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.

3 down and 1 to go

So, 6 years for Jacob, Christian, and Kody have passed. We celebrated Jacob's birthday with cupcakes. I love how Ryan sang "Happy Birthday to my brother" and added his "Cha cha cha, ha yah, EAT MORE PIZZA" at the end of the birthday song. I had to laugh because I know that is just what all my little boys would do if they were here. Too precious. I bought a large cookie cake for Christian and Kody. Each side had 3 balloons so I added 2 candles on each baloon and we lit the candles on each side of the cake on each of their birthdays. Thursday night was our last night of VBS so I spent Christian's birthday night at VBS with the kids and playing and having fun outside. I think it was the best night of VBS for me and I guess fitting for it being Christian's birthday. Having fun with Ryan and the other VBS kids. Especially when Ryan hit me with a wet sponge that he ran over from his station while I was teaching kids how to make bubbles at mine. He had to take an opportunity to "get his Mommy". It was great. Yesterday we lit the candles on Kody's half of the cake and sang the birthday song to him. Ryan of course continued his cute song as he did for the other two. Daddy had a men's event so Ryan and I had a Ryan/Mommy DATE! He kept saying, Mommy, this is the 1st time we have gone on a date with you and me. We went to the movies, ate ice cream, and McDonalds. I thank God for him. It truly does make the days easier. I didn't cry, and I think this is the 1st year I haven't been so emotional. It is only by everyone's prayers for me and God's grace that he helps me through it. Emily's is on July 2nd. Hers is always the hardest for me to get through. I struggle every year. Maybe because of the finality of her birth symbolizing the end of my quad pregnancy and the tough delivery I had and all the trauma. Hers is just so emotional. My one baby girl. My heart just struggles. But I am so blessed that I have hope to carry on and know that because of my Lord and Savior and his promises I WILL see my babies again! Soon my angels! Mommy loves you!