3 down and 1 to go

So, 6 years for Jacob, Christian, and Kody have passed. We celebrated Jacob's birthday with cupcakes. I love how Ryan sang "Happy Birthday to my brother" and added his "Cha cha cha, ha yah, EAT MORE PIZZA" at the end of the birthday song. I had to laugh because I know that is just what all my little boys would do if they were here. Too precious. I bought a large cookie cake for Christian and Kody. Each side had 3 balloons so I added 2 candles on each baloon and we lit the candles on each side of the cake on each of their birthdays. Thursday night was our last night of VBS so I spent Christian's birthday night at VBS with the kids and playing and having fun outside. I think it was the best night of VBS for me and I guess fitting for it being Christian's birthday. Having fun with Ryan and the other VBS kids. Especially when Ryan hit me with a wet sponge that he ran over from his station while I was teaching kids how to make bubbles at mine. He had to take an opportunity to "get his Mommy". It was great. Yesterday we lit the candles on Kody's half of the cake and sang the birthday song to him. Ryan of course continued his cute song as he did for the other two. Daddy had a men's event so Ryan and I had a Ryan/Mommy DATE! He kept saying, Mommy, this is the 1st time we have gone on a date with you and me. We went to the movies, ate ice cream, and McDonalds. I thank God for him. It truly does make the days easier. I didn't cry, and I think this is the 1st year I haven't been so emotional. It is only by everyone's prayers for me and God's grace that he helps me through it. Emily's is on July 2nd. Hers is always the hardest for me to get through. I struggle every year. Maybe because of the finality of her birth symbolizing the end of my quad pregnancy and the tough delivery I had and all the trauma. Hers is just so emotional. My one baby girl. My heart just struggles. But I am so blessed that I have hope to carry on and know that because of my Lord and Savior and his promises I WILL see my babies again! Soon my angels! Mommy loves you!

6 years later

Wow, I can't believe tomorrow will be 6 years since I lost the 1st of my quads, Jacob Matthew Lloyd. I hate the feeling of forgetting details. I don't ever want to forget! There are some things to painful to remember and I can't go there but there are some things I never want to forget. As Ryan just graduated K4, I think about sending 4 babies off to kindergarten in August. What would it be like? I can only imagine but I wish I could experience it. As our family welcomed my great nephew Colton into the world this past week, I praise my Lord who giveth and taketh away life. He created each of my children for a purpose and one day I will know what it is. As I walk through this journey I try to glorify him through all of it. My friend was asking me the other day about the name Samuel which is my son Ryan's middle name. She asked me if I chose that name because it means "GOD HEARD". Wow, I had no idea. Although I did choose Ryan's middle name Samuel after my dearest grandfather, you know it fits just right, God did hear my cries, he heard my questions, he heard my pain, and he heard my heart and he gave me a testimony to share with the world when he brought Ryan into our lives. Although 6 years later my life has changed in many ways, some good and some bad, I can never go back to the person I was before a piece of my heart died. There will always be a hole in my heart that will only be healed by my precious Lord and savior! We serve a mighty God and although we don't know his plans and his ways are not always our ways, I still choose to TRUST HIM! Happy Birthday to my precious baby boy Jacob! I know God will hold you a little tighter tomorrow for Mommy! Jesus loves you this I know, for the Bible tells me so! I love you!