The Hardest Part Was Yet to Come

So, as you can imagine I was extremely sad and totally exhausted. Everything was happening so fast and we were just having to go with the flow and not think about things. I couldn't think long term or rationally or how I needed to do things for my long term benefit. I was living in the moment and in a whirlwind. I stayed in the hospital for a few days after the delivery. I was released from the hospital on June 18th, Father's Day. How ironic was that. That wasn't much of a Father's Day for Kevin, but he was definately glad to have me going home.

We started preparing to hopefully find out what our last baby was going to be. I was 18 weeks pregnant now and had one baby remaining from our quads. We knew this baby was going to have to be a fighter and I knew I had to try and be strong for this babys sake. We had my next dr appt on June 20th and we found out we were having a baby girl!!!!! After delivering 3 boys, we were shocked that there was a girl in the mix. We called them, A, B, C, and D from the sonogram pictures so we could keep track of who was where. So, here SHE WAS, baby D could now be called a she. She was on the top and can you imagine being a girl in there with all those 3 boys. She was probably kicking them like this is my space. We kind of laughed that she was being a princess and wanted her space and now had all the room she needed. Everything looked good and the fluid around her sack looked good also. She had a very strong heartbeat. We were very hopeful for the future. We did a lot of praying and hoping.

By now of course we had already registered because we had MANY friends planning a baby shower. They had been so excited to coordinate a MULTIPLE BABY SHOWER that planning had been going on for a while. So now we were down to one, a baby girl, so the shower plans were adjusted to cater to her. My baby shower was scheduled for July 29th.

My next dr appointment was scheduled for June 29th at 20 weeks. Early that morning around 12:30 am, I went to the bathroom and passed a large blood clot. We went to the hospital and they were not sure if I had possibly tried passing on of the placentas from the other babies or not. After doing an ultrasound, they discovered the fluid around the baby was really low. Her heartbeat was still really strong and everything else looked ok except for the fluid level. They said I could go home if I wanted and just follow up with Dr Kimberlyn later that day for my appointment at 2 pm . We decided to go home and pack our bags because we were told we would probably be admitted. We decided to get a few last hours of rest because we were going to need it.

About 12:30 that afternoon I was getting ready for my appointment and I started bleeding heavily. We called the dr office and they told us to go straight to the hospital. The next few days kind of ran together. When I arrived at the hospital, our baby girl was still in my cervix, so she wasn't trying to deliver. Her heartbeat was very strong. Things were very optimistic and we just kept praying because our baby girl was fighting so hard. Seeing that she was only 20 weeks, we needed her to hold on a few more weeks for her to be viable outside the womb. At 23-25 weeks they told us the baby goes through such a huge growth spurt that she would have a much better chance for her lungs to develop if she could make it until then. At 28 weeks she would have a 90% viability rate. They put me in the hospital. Mom and Kevin stayed with me. I woke up around 2:15 and was very uncomfortable. I started having mild stomach cramps that developed into severe stomach cramps in a matter of 30 minutes. Turns out I was in labor. I never had contractions with any of them, just cramping. I went to the bathroom because I felt blood and I started bleeding uncontrollably and a lot of it. Kevin was terrified and I had never seen so much blood in my life. We called the nurses in and they put a large pad under me in the bed. I kept passing blood clots and bleeding continuously. I was hemorraging. The dr kept saying "We have to get this bleeding under control" in a very serious concerned voice. So, this began natural labor, full throttle. I don't remember a whole lot because I was delirious. My mom and Kevin had no idea what was going on. All they saw was their wife/daughter in pain and bleeding uncontrollably and there was nothing they could do, or the dr at that point. They were all trying to get the bleeding under control. At some point I was screaming unbelievably. Anyone who has gone through natural chilbirth with no pain medicine I guess can understand. I think in some way I was just trying to deal and I was crazy!!!! I remember thinking to myself afterwards I felt so sorry for anyone who might have been in the rooms beside me because I was that loud. At some point they decided to move me to labor and delivery. I was still bleeding and they called in Dr Kimberlyn into the hospital just for me because no one could stop the bleeding. The nurses were trying to find a vein to stick me so they could give me the IV for an epidural. They tried both arms over and over again. Nurses on both sides, sticking me over and over again. All while I am still passing blood clots and in excrutiating pain. They gave me 4 shots of demerol to help with the pain and it didn't phase me. I remember at some point the tv turning on because I was squeezing the bed rails so hard that I turned the tv on. I don't even think my hand was on the remote! At some point they had Mom and Kevin step outside when they were trying to do the epidural. They never were able to stick me, so they let Mom and Kevin come back in. They were fighting to get back in there with me. I remember Dr Kimberlyn saying "She can't keep bleeding like this" at some point. Once they did come back in, it didn't take long and I delivered our baby girl, Emily Rebecca Lloyd around 5:20 am. She was still in her sack, so the only reason I delivered her was because I was contracting so bad and passing those blood clots. She hadn't reached viability, so she didn't make it. My body was trying to get rid of the pregnancy and all the remnants from the other babies placentas, etc. After I delivered Emily, I was still in excrutiating pain. I passed a huge blood clot, Emily's placenta, whatever and instantly the pain stopped and the bleeding stopped. All I remember was Dr Kimberlyn saying, it finally stopped. She meant I wasn't bleeding anymore. I had lost so much blood and I was past exhaustion. I think the Demerol shots finally kicked in because I was knocked out. I do not remember much between then and the point when they brought Emily in for us to see her. By that point Daddy had arrived at the hospital, so Kevin and I, Mom and Dad were there to see our baby girl for the first time.

Emily weighed 12 ounces and was 9 1/2 inches long. I remember how beautiful she looked. She was in a pink gown and laying in a crocheted pink blanket. I remember Daddy looking at her and saying "Oh goodness". She was obviously much more developed than all the boys. She was beautiful and looked like a little miniature baby doll. I couldn't believe how different she looked. Her features were all developed and she just looked like a small baby. The top of her head was VERY dark, so I tell Kevin I think she would have had brown hair like me. She looked like an angel. I remember her mouth being open and I could move her lips. Her little fingers also wrapped around my finger like it was holding on and I will never forget that.  We of course all cried and held her. I told Kevin at least I knew that we made beautiful children. I was so glad we were able to hold all of our children and have memory boxes for them. That was and will always be very special to me!! Losing Emily was the hardest for me. Not only because it was the end of my quad pregnancy, but she was my only girl. I had always pictured myself having a girl and she and I had this bond that I just can't explain.

The next thing I remember was being wheeled all the way across the hospital to the area where women are who are recovering from women's surgery. That was the longest wheelchair ride I have ever had. I was devastated and I can't describe that journey in the wheelchair and the rush of feelings that were going through me. I felt like I was being cast aside, like I wasn't a Mommy. I wasn't with those other moms who had just had their children. The rest of that day and that night was more emotional than I could ever explain. Kevin of course stayed the night with me and I was a basketcase. I couldn't sleep and they finally had to give me something to make me sleep because I was crying hysterically. I was so tired from all the blood loss. My blood count was 20 when normal is around 30. They gave me 2 pints of blood the next day and that was the minimum they wanted to give me. I could and might have needed to get more. They told me it would take me a while for my energy to get back to normal because of the amount of blood loss that I had.

The one thing I remember most before leaving the hospital was celebrating 4th of July weekend in the hospital with Kevin and my mom and dad. I guess as Daddy's way on bringing comfort to me he went and bought Dreamland BBQ for us and brought to the hospital. The 4 of us sat there and ate and it was just nice to have my family there. I was able to leave and go home on July 4th. I couldn't be more relieved to be leaving that hospital!!!!!