Healing Time

July 4th I was released from the hospital. I had told Kevin and Mom that I didn't want to see anything baby related when I got home from the hospital. Kevin's mom and her friend Marci had gone to the house and cleaned everything and had everything perfect when we got home. All the baby stuff around the house was placed in the nursery and the doors were shut. We were finally home, but it was so empty.

We had been so strong for the past few months and had so much faith, unbelievable faith. With losing each baby, we just kept the faith that the others would be fine. We certainly believed Emily would be strong and make it. It was very hard for us to understand why things turned out the way they did. We were surrounded by friends and family offering support and trying to offer encouragment for us. We were devastated but were trying to move on and understand. I don't remember a lot about healing. I just know I was an emotional wreck. I tried to just deal with things. I am not sure how long it was before I was able to go into the nursery. It was unfinished and full of all the things we had accumulated for the babies. I do remember just sitting in the rocking chair in their room and just pouring tears.

We were mad and didn't understand. My mom was devastated also. I hadn't know until after we lost Emily, but she left God had sent her a message that she needed to fast. She had been fasting for I think 20 something days out of her 30 day fast. She had no food and just water. I couldn't believe she had done that. She felt let down and didn't understand because she just knew that her fasting was standing in faith for Emily and I to be ok. We were all heartbroken. My aunt was telling her that maybe the message God had for her to fast was to save me. Wow, that really made me think. I could have died too. Maybe Mom's faith saved me. We will never know. I was understandably having a much harder time dealing with this loss than I did with our 1st miscarriage. I remember praying to God after we lost the 1st baby that if it wasn't meant for us to have a baby that he please not let me get pregnant again and the fertility medicines not work. Then we got pregnant with the quads and it turned out the way it did and I was angry because I had remembered me asking him not to let me go through that pain again. It was hard for us to imagine having faith ever again after having so much faith with this pregnancy and things still turning out the way they did.A month after we lost the quads, it just seemed like everything continued to crash down on us. Kevin got laid off from his job at Barbers and we had a leak from our air conditioner in the attic and the ceiling fell down. Things were literally falling all around us. All I wanted to do was sleep to numb the pain.

As I mentioned earlier, my baby shower had already been scheduled. Jessica let me know that she and my other hostesses decided to have a get together the day they had originally planned my baby shower. They wanted to make that day special for us and show love and support for us. They took all the money they had accumulated for the baby shower and gave it to us as a token of love. They wanted us to get away and take a trip or do something to try and help us through the process. That touched my heart and it really was something we needed.

At this point I would have been 6 months pregnant and I was having a hard time dealing with things. Everything happened so extremely fast and went straight downhill like a roller coaster. I went for my checkup on August 2nd and was released to go back to work on August 16th. I was terrified to go back to work without being pregnant. I was so scared because the last time I was at my desk, my water broke. I knew that to the world I was no longer pregnant, but for me I was forever changed. I was greeted back at work with a lot of hugs and encouraging words and a lot of tears too. I had told Kathleen to please let everyone know that I didn't want them to ask a lot of questions and I didn't really want to talk about things. Just to please pray for us and be there. I just felt alone, no matter what everyone tried to do for us. I had no idea what I was suppost to do and how I could move on.